Archive for the essay Category

Understanding Your Caveman

Posted in essay, relationships with tags , , on May 13, 2009 by tomupton33

Although I’m no expert on female-male relations– and I have a track record to prove that– I have noticed that more complaints and concerns about relationships come from women than men. I don’t believe this is because women have a natural tendency to complain, or that men are shy about voicing their thoughts if they believe something isn’t going right between their partners and them. Nor do I believe that guys just don’t care, or don’t care enough. I think, really, that guys don’t concern themselves with details as much as women do– it’s just that simple.


While women are studies in complexity and subtlety, guys are pretty simple. If you don’t believe this fundamental difference, consider how men and women shop.


When a woman says she’s going shopping, it is virtually impossible to get her to reveal what she intends to buy. On being asked, she may become so evasive that you start to suspect the matter might be of national security.


Conversely, a guy will immediately spill the beans, which may be something like: a pair of jeans, a pack of AA batteries, a bottle of Armoral, a CD [ insert specific title here], and a few cans of those little Vienna sausages.


A woman can go into a department store, wander around, try on clothes, and touch, fondle, grope, squeeze, finger, shake, smell, bounce, step upon, sit on, mount, and riffle through innumerous items, and then, three hours later now, walk out of the store without buying a single thing.


On the other hand, a guy, on first entering the same store, will immediately look up at the signs marking the aisles, so that he can formulate the shortest route possible for him to gather his items– actually it’s sort of an undeclared race– and get to the check-out as soon as possible. Once there he will not look at any of the impulse items. While waiting in line, he will not utter a word, unless somebody ahead of him in line pays by check or with several hundred pennies. This can be a dangerous moment, because, remember, men are basic, and, therefore, driven by basic needs. He has selected his specific items, and wants to get home to other basic needs: dinner, television, sex, sleep [not necessarily in this order, and sometimes– disturbingly– overlapping].


The difference in how men and women perceive things is staggering, and also the cause of many problems.


If a guy gives a woman a bracelet, the woman will think, “Aw, he loves me.”


If a woman gives a guy a wristwatch– one of those complex watches that tell the time in a dozen countries, and, as well, has a calculator, a stop watch and a currency converter– a guy will think, “Shiny.”


Women would be better served to view men not as equals but rather as cavemen, because, essentially, they are. It would save much worrying, much misunderstanding, much grief.


Consider a couple, dating for over a year, living separately. The woman calls the man at work one day and asks him if he’d like to meet her for dinner after work. He tells her he feels wiped-out, and just wants to go home, shower, and take a nap. After work the guy goes home and does just that, while the woman goes home, sits in her empty apartment, and says to herself, “He wants to just take a nap? Hmmmmm. I wonder what he meant by that….” You see how easily this can lead to problems?


Always remember: men are driven by needs, while women are driven by desires.


Guys need sex– women want love. If you don’t believe this, the next time your with that special someone, ask him, “Don’t you think cuddling is just as good as sex?” See what kind of look he gives you.


Women want romance– guys need something that doesn’t waste so much time.


Women want commitment– guys just aren’t into that much detail.


Women long for security– guys say buy a deadbolt.


Women wish for marriage– guess what? It’s not a basic need.


I believe every issue can be broken down into two diametrically opposing views.


Men can always be counted on to be simple. This is very important, because the thing you really need to worry about is when a guy starts acting complicated. A hundred red flags should shoot up, Klaxons should sound off, and you should freeze in place like an actor in an E.F. Hutton commercial. When a guy get complicated, it could mean a thousand things, and none of them good. I mean, I’m a guy and even I couldn’t give you a clue.







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