Archive for the Poems Category

Redneck Haikus

Posted in humor, Poems on April 26, 2013 by tomupton33

Coffee is brewing

I pound hard on bathroom door

I must brush my tooth


Squirrels foraging

In the tall grass of my yard

While I plan dinner


Seven gosh-durned dogs

Scattering throughout the house

My Chia pet died


My wife looks at her

Best while wearing my shirt

Because of the holes


The sun has risen

There is magic in the woods

The dove hunt is on


My hair was long and

Gray the day before my wife

Bought me a Flo-Bee


Dead Skin

Posted in Poems on September 22, 2011 by tomupton33


A tiny patch of dead skin

on the back of my hand

above fading flesh and clotting

blood turning from blue to black


Bones begin to turn to dust

Before we leave the crib

Parasites infest us

Early for the feast


From birth and first breath

The slow slide begins

Edging ever nearer

To the ultimate decline


The very earth is dying

And has been for many years

It knows no bounds of suffering

It feels no sting of tears

It slowly, slowly slips away

Bit by bit

Every day


Life is just a wishful thought

Only degrees of death

Follow us through time

To our final breath


Posted in Poems, Uncategorized on September 3, 2010 by tomupton33

A hope or dream
Maybe a nightmare
Never to be realized
I sense a fleeting moment
Of time
And of knowledge that
Events will never take place
I will never be born
Squalling beneath a bright
Reflected light
I will never be held
And passed about
Like a treasure
Found unexpectedly on the ground
A gift that fate has given
To my mother
Who is destined
To be a stranger to me
Known only through
A pinhole of time and awareness
I will never walk
On weak wobbly legs
Or mouth uncertain words
While people pleased and puzzled
I will never barf
On Billy Boylan
In a gaudy green hallway
That smells of crayons
I will never skin
A knee or elbow
And feel the comfort
Of concerned hugs
That still my sobs
I will never know
Sunny spring mornings
Or see the dewy
spider webs spun on
The budding branches
Of bushes and trees
I will never hear
The grumble of thunder
Or feel the rage of wind
Of see the soft fuzzy
Arc of a rainbow in
The calming sky
I will never run
Over my father’s foot
While learning to drive
I will never know
I will never marry
Who will wed a
Junkie instead and
There will be no
I will never grow old
And cherish the seconds
That seem to belong to me
And to no other
I will never feel
The loosening grip of life
I will always remain
An inking
An iota of doubt
That causes people
To pause and wonder
Whether something is
“I should have bumped
Into somebody but nobody
Was there”
“The picture of three
Ought be of four”
“I ought to have shared
This supper
But I was alone”
The minute hole
In reality
My life
Will go largely
I will be that
Vague emptiness everyone
Even at death
When memories of life
Seem somehow lacking
I am a vagrant idea
Thought then forgotten
That passes
Through the minds
Of all that
Should have


Posted in humor on September 3, 2010 by tomupton33

1. The only pictures you see in his residence are of his mother.

2. He won’t wear any footwear other than cowboy boots.

3. He named his pet dog or cat after his last girlfriend.

4. The remains of his last meal are in the truck of his car.

5. He uses coupons during a date.

6. He thinks it’s fun to go to a scrap yard and watch old cars being crushed.

7. He informs you that you won’t be able to meet his parents until they get out of prison.

8. He owns a sock puppet.

9. He has a sister who looks just like you.

10. He talks too much about all the good times he had in high school.

11. He always uses both hands while eating a meal.

12. He ran away from home when he was twenty-seven.

Really Dumb Laws

Posted in humor on July 11, 2010 by tomupton33


It is illegal to eat in a restaurant that is on fire. –Chicago

It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe’s neck. –Chicago

It is against the law to make faces at dogs.–Normal

It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, or any other domesticated animals. –Zion


No one may catch a fish with his bare hands.

Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar.  –Gary


Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. –Baldwin Park

You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.  –Blythe

Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine. –Chico

It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. –Hollywood


It is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose. –Fairbanks


Lap dances must be given at least six feet away from a patron.–Tampa


Posted in humor on April 29, 2010 by tomupton33

1. Somebody collects old shoe leather.

2. Your grandfather and uncle are brothers.

3. Somebody puts flowers on their own grave.

4. Somebody has multiple marriages in Las Vegas.

5. The police know everybody’s name at your family reunion.

6. Family pets keep disappearing.

7. The children seem more mature than the adults.

8. Somebody brings a karaoke machine to a funeral.

9. People are always fighting over a Flo-Bee.

10. When somebody wanders off in a mall, nobody bothers to look for them.

Death of a Cougar

Posted in Poems on April 27, 2010 by tomupton33

You were regal
Slinking slowly
Among the trees
A study of grace
And strength
And hazard
But you were lost
Like so many humans
Suddenly finding yourself
In a hard cold place
So terribly alone
Without food
Or hope
Or love
You became a
Skulking in the
Shadows of buildings
And under flickering
Out of place
And nearly out
Of time
Searching still searching
For familiar signs
Small prey
Rocky hillsides
A cool comforting
Hollow in the ground
Between mossy tree trunks
Where you could settle
And sleep
But everything
was flat
You could find
No peace
Just wandering
Foraging in garbage cans
Like a common house
degraded by
Circumstances beyond
Your control
A shadow of
What you were
Born to be
Until a cardboard cop
For the sake
Of public safety
Murdered you
Leaving you
A furry shell
Lying curled
Among the dumpsters
He did not know
Your fears
Your confusion
Your needs
He did not heed
The order to
To preserve you
To restore you
To return you
He only trembled
At your

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