Archive for the humor Category

Redneck Haikus

Posted in humor, Poems on April 26, 2013 by tomupton33

Coffee is brewing

I pound hard on bathroom door

I must brush my tooth

*****

Squirrels foraging

In the tall grass of my yard

While I plan dinner

*****

Seven gosh-durned dogs

Scattering throughout the house

My Chia pet died

*****

My wife looks at her

Best while wearing my shirt

Because of the holes

*****

The sun has risen

There is magic in the woods

The dove hunt is on

*****

My hair was long and

Gray the day before my wife

Bought me a Flo-Bee

12 SIGNS THAT HE MAY NOT BE MR. RIGHT

Posted in humor on September 3, 2010 by tomupton33

1. The only pictures you see in his residence are of his mother.

2. He won’t wear any footwear other than cowboy boots.

3. He named his pet dog or cat after his last girlfriend.

4. The remains of his last meal are in the truck of his car.

5. He uses coupons during a date.

6. He thinks it’s fun to go to a scrap yard and watch old cars being crushed.

7. He informs you that you won’t be able to meet his parents until they get out of prison.

8. He owns a sock puppet.

9. He has a sister who looks just like you.

10. He talks too much about all the good times he had in high school.

11. He always uses both hands while eating a meal.

12. He ran away from home when he was twenty-seven.

Really Dumb Laws

Posted in humor on July 11, 2010 by tomupton33

Illinois

It is illegal to eat in a restaurant that is on fire. –Chicago

It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe’s neck. –Chicago

It is against the law to make faces at dogs.–Normal

It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, or any other domesticated animals. –Zion

Indiana

No one may catch a fish with his bare hands.

Within four hours of eating garlic, a person may not enter a movie house, theater, or ride a public streetcar.  –Gary

California

Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. –Baldwin Park

You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.  –Blythe

Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine. –Chico

It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. –Hollywood

Alaska

It is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose. –Fairbanks

Florida

Lap dances must be given at least six feet away from a patron.–Tampa

10 SIGNS THAT YOUR FAMILY MAY BE CRAZY

Posted in humor on April 29, 2010 by tomupton33

1. Somebody collects old shoe leather.

2. Your grandfather and uncle are brothers.

3. Somebody puts flowers on their own grave.

4. Somebody has multiple marriages in Las Vegas.

5. The police know everybody’s name at your family reunion.

6. Family pets keep disappearing.

7. The children seem more mature than the adults.

8. Somebody brings a karaoke machine to a funeral.

9. People are always fighting over a Flo-Bee.

10. When somebody wanders off in a mall, nobody bothers to look for them.

Things I’ve Said

Posted in humor on January 15, 2010 by tomupton33

No, there’s nothing wrong with your cooking. Everybody likes to pray after eating just to be different.”

“Of course, we’re dysfunctional. That’s what makes us so interesting.”

“There’s something basically wrong in a world where a gallon of gas costs more than a gallon of milk.”

“Man, if I knew that was illegal, I would’ve at least made an effort to get away with it.”

“Oh, I’m sure it wasn’t the first time somebody’s pants accidently fell down in a thrift store.”

“No, I didn’t get lost. I just felt an overwhelming need to go to Indiana.”

“Emergency? What kind of emergency can somebody have in a cemetery?”

“No, it’s not a good thing that every deputy in the sheriff’s department knows you by name.”

“Yeah, I know where I’m going. If I didn’t, I’d be going someplace else.”

“The pain wouldn’t be bad if it didn’t hurt so much.”

“I’m sure the guy didn’t mean anything by it. He must have thought my name was Jerry.”

 

 

 

“Hey, if the universe is even close to what her school project look likes, we’re all really screwed.”

“I never dated a woman who owned a gun. If I did, I probably wouldn’t be here now.”

“Why don’t you ever lose something that’s not important?”

“If I end up dying for some dumb-ass reason, I’m coming back and haunting the crap out of everybody.”

“I met the girl of my dreams, but I ended up marrying your mom.”

“I can’t stand to see you like this. You think you could go into the other room?”

“If my life had any real direction, do you really think I’d be here now?”

“If it’s true that God always gives you what you need, He must have figured I needed a shitload of grief when He picked out my kids.”

“The mystery of life? I’m still trying to figure out why the Green Giant is so fucking jolly.”

“I don’t know. Somebody putting flowers on their own grave. That’s kind of out there– even for our family.”

“Not everybody can be special. How would that work, anyway?”

“Why is it the end of the world just because somebody can’t find a hair brush?”

“RAGTAG FUCK MONKEY? I thought Campbell’s left out some letters so you couldn’t spell stuff like that in your soup.”

“Aside for mental health issues, our family is really pretty normal.”

“Everybody in my father’s family lives to be very old. Even the alcoholics live to be well into their eighties.”

“I could never see myself shooting a helpless animal. A human being, yeah– especially in the drive thru at Burger King.”

“I actually am pretty sensitive. It’s just that sometimes things shoot out my mouth before going through my brain.”

“Trust me– floor gearshifts have ruined a lot of dates.”

Disgruntled Greetings 1

Posted in humor, Poems with tags on June 2, 2009 by tomupton33

Happy Thanksgiving

To you

Who took my all away

My love

My sperm

My wishful ways

My car

My house

My hopeful days

Happy Thanksgiving

To you

Who is always on my mind

When I make the monthly check

And sign upon the line

Happy Thanksgiving

To you

Who makes me feel thankful

When I am awfully blue

At all that I no longer have

And know that includes you

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